If you purchased a Beanie Baby at any point during the 90s, your time has finally come to cash in on your investment.
The Gemr news team has just received word that, due to an influx of demand from millionaires who are just now remembering the 90s, Beanie Babies are currently worth upwards of $3 million each. Following an uncanny string of purchases that took place today at 12:00 AM, 99% of Beanie Babies for sale have been purchased by wealthy collectors worldwide.
“It was only a matter of time, really,” said CEO Robert Dunsparce. “When we designed Beanie Babies 25 years ago, we said to ourselves ‘look, these things right here? They’re gonna make people rich.’ So that’s what we tried to tell everyone at the time, but we’ll see who has the last laugh now.”
As of writing, the only unsold Beanie Baby on the internet is the infamous Princess bear. It likely would have sold by now, but its owners are holding out for $300 million.
Pictured: Literally Beanie Baby owners right now
Yet the question is, if you still have some Beanie Babies floating around and you’re hoping for a payday, which animals should you be on the hunt for? We spoke with seasoned Beanie Baby collector Rick Morsan to see what’s selling hotter than anything else, and he says to be on the look out for the elusive Plumbus plush.
“Everyone has a Plumbus in their home,” explained Morsan, “but the majority were produced with several hizzards in the way. Anyone who owns a regular old Plumbus is in a good position to make some money.”
Naturally, many Beanie Baby owners have expressed exuberant enthusiasm upon hearing this news. In a Gemr poll that asked what new Beanie Baby millionaires are hoping to do with their money, 5% said “finally pay off loans,” 10% said “finance a brand new collection, 85% said “quit my job and brag daily about how I’m sipping mimosas every morning because I bought some toys two decades ago,” and .0001% said “invest my Beanie Baby money into more Beanie Babies so that I might infinitely repeat this money-making cycle and actually own all of the money in the world.”
Pictured: An especially rare Beanie Baby
To keep up with the money currently being spent on Beanie Babies, the Animadverted Press has reported that governments across the globe have printed the equivalent of $900 trillion to fund the wanton purchasing, a move that many critics agree is “honestly what we expected to see given the situation.” Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders said in a statement this morning that he finds the Beanie Baby Boom™ to be great for the middle class, but he’s not sure if he likes how the numbers add up.
“On one hand, it’s great that the 99% finally found a way to get some money from the 1%,” said Vermont Senator Sanders. “Now, we have the 74% who has 1991% of the money, and it’s going to be tough for our next president to reconcile those numbers.”
Market analysts speculate other 90s commodities will skyrocket in price very soon, including Sprinkle Sprangles cereal, Furby toys, Bop It handheld games, and Blink 182 CDs. Also, Jason Voorhees will attack you if you whisper his name into the mirror, there’s a Mew hidden under the truck by the S.S. Anne, and pigs have been spotted flying as of this morning.
But seriously, from the Gemr Team to our beloved fans, we wish you all a happy April 1st.
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