When it Comes to Supporting Our Team, We Will Buy Anything
…except maybe some of this stuff. Sure we have jerseys, and hats, and scarves, and–well the list is pretty long; but there are some things even we won’t touch. Teams can be willing to slap their logo on pretty much anything, which is great if you are a super fan. You can deck out your entire house with items that tell everyone you meet that you support one team, and one team only. With that said, you might want to consider passing when it comes to these ten, but hey — live your life how you want to live it!
A Miniature Tailgate Set
Yo dawg, we heard you like tailgating, so we put a tailgate set in your tailgate set so you can tailgate while you tailgate. (We had to). Bad memes aside, however, this is completely ridiculous. Take it to your actual tailgate so that ants can join the party, or use it to confuse your friends. Good luck finding a purpose for this miniature pregame party.
It’s good to start fans young–so young they can’t even cheer yet! We think this binky is delightfully fan-focused. Maybe it will help your bouncing baby’s first words be the name of your cherished team (a dream come true). Fun fact: it also doubles as a plug to stop the whining of your friends when their team loses to yours.
Breakfast isn’t breakfast if people don’t know how much you love your team, right? This toaster will burn the logo of your favorite team right onto your bread. Feed it to your friends, feed it to your family, and feed your own need to see your team’s logo on everything you own — even your food.
Nothing says “home” like a Gnome, and nothing says “I love my team” like a Gnome wearing a jersey. Put it in your yard (or on your counter) to make sure everyone is aware that even mythical porcelain creatures know your team is best. Hey, maybe it can go next to that plastic flamingo you’ve had forever.
Yes, you love your team, and yes, you want everyone to know it. That’s a given. But why would you spend money on this? Sure you could get a roll featuring your team’s biggest rival and really show them what you think, but then they’ll be profiting from you every time you have to go, and do you really want to help them out? We’re going to take a hard pass on buying this one…you know, for ethical reasons.
Class it up with Tiffany! Well not real Tiffany, but an NFL-inspired knockoff! This lamp will instantly make your football cave feel more fancy. Your friends will think you have real taste and style with the logo of your favorite team boldly shining in stained glass.
Take your fandom to the grave. Literally. Sure, it’s getting buried 6 feet under, but in the far-reaching future some archaeologist might dig you up and know how much you loved your team!
Let’s be honest — everyone secretly wants to wear a onesie to game day. Look more relaxed than anyone at your viewing party, and all your friends will want to be you. Except, you know, people who don’t want to take all of their clothes off just to use the bathroom.
Elf on the Shelf
As if this little guy wasn’t bad enough on his own! For those of you who don’t know, parents use the Elf on the Shelf to terrify their kids into good behavior during the holidays by telling them that the dead-eyed horror stalking them in their home will report back to Santa. We presume they tuck their little ones in with the ominus phrase, “It’s okay kids, he’s always watching you, sleep tight!” Well, now you can let your kids know that even Santa supports your team. All the Elf wants for christmas is to spy on your kids — and a Superbowl win.
A Urinal Signed by Barry Sanders
This isn’t official merch, and it’s not currently for sale, but it is just about the weirdest NFL related thing to ever be sold. How do you even get a signed urinal? This is such a bizarre story, we had to look deeper into it. Turns out it wasn’t signed by the NFL superstar when it was purchased. Nope, the urinal was picked up from the Detroit Silverdome in 2013 for $23. As far as we can tell, the fan hoped that it had once been used by Sanders in one of the 10 seasons he played for the Lions. Then this superfan took it to a signing session by Sanders at a local mall, and presumably told the famous running back this insane story. Personally, we can’t believe that Sanders agreed to sign it. We at least hope he washed his hands afterwards. Oh, and the weirdest part? The owner eventually sold the signed urinal to ANOTHER fan for $3,000. The only question we have now is how does he display it?